Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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