I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
