I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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