I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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