I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
