Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
