I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
