I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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