I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
It's never too late to be topless.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Randomize
