The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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