all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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