Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
