M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
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