You're completely useless in the revolution.
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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