I wish my penis had an off switch
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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