swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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