Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
