Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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