Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.