Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
