I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
