New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
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Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
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And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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