On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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