I swear she didn't look like that last week.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Randomize
