Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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