Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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