i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
