Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
