and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
