woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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