Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
