Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
