I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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