Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
