seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Randomize
