Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
