searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
