I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
