A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Randomize
