Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
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