Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
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I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
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The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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