I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I checked into jail on foursquare
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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