She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
