We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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