It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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