the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Panties = found
Randomize
