I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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