I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
