And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
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Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
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Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
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