driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
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Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
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He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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