When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
