I looked at my own cervix.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
