Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I intend to get homeless drunk
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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